Lee County Pipes and Drums Wee Bit More Fun

Angus was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If ye find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my Scotch Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Angus looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."




















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Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."

The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.

"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.

"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"

"About 60."

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums Ok, but Very Bad when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at his guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bagpipe Solo!"

"What kind of sticks do you use?"

Musical Octopus

An Englishman walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tell everyone in the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A Welshman walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his $50.

Another Englishman walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This Englishman also pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them in a confused fashion for several minutes.

"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"

As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish. He removes a pocket atlas and points towards different countries: "Here is suffering, there, hunger, and over there people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy. Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is very difficult, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?" The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. You see, I play the bagpipes, and have such a difficult time with the embellishments. Do you think you could........

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the residence hall. After he had been there a semester, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"I do nothing. I ignore them and remain here in the room playing my pipes."

"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed?" asked the caller.
"It's two pounds per word, madam" said the editor.
"Fine," said the women. Get a pencil & some paper then take this down: MacDonnell...Dead"
The reporter waited for the women to go on, "That's it?" he asked.
"That's it," she said.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you madam, and there's a five word minimum."
"Yes, you should have young man," retorted the woman. "Let me think a moment. OK, I have it – take this down: "MacDonnell dead. Bagpipes for sale."

"OK - let's look at that atlas one more time".

Twas rather a rainy night when poor Bill Devlin crashed his car into Father Murphy's - when the latter was stopped for a red light. Bill ran to Father Murphy's aid, and Father sharply rebuked him: "Bill, you nearly killed me!"
"There, there, Father," replied Bill, in tones of remorse, "Don't you be worryin'! Here's a bit o' whisky to warm and soothe you."
Father Murphy was calmed after he'd finished the pint, and said to Bill, "Well, now, I've been taking this all for meself, and you were in a collision as well, even if you did cause it. Would you be wanting a bit o' this for yourself now?"
"Oh, no t'ank you, Father, keep it for your trouble. I'll just stay here and wait for the police.

Several Jokes found on the Gallowglass Piper website. They have many more stories, jokes and quotes well worth the visit!

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda."Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to go to the gent's."