Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.Q. What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A. Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison."Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.Q. If a dollar bill was lying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A. The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.Q. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. They have a machine to do that now.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.Q. How can you make a drummer slow down?
A. Put a sheet of music in front of him.Q. How can you make that drummer stop?
A. Put notes on it!
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.Q. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A. So they can park in the handicapped spot.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. The knocking speeds up.Q. What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
A. Drool.Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? .."
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
